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Warning: Strong Language.
British author Anthony Trollope once wrote, of difficult political issues: “Many who before regarded legislation on the subject as chimerical, will now fancy that it is only dangerous, or perhaps not more than difficult. And so in time it will come to be looked on as among the things possible, then among the things probable; -- and so at last it will be ranged in the list of those few measures which the country requires as being absolutely needed. That is the way in which public opinion is made.” Or, in short, things that we think suck and which we hold in contempt often become par for the course or even highly-regarded by future generations. I speak, in this case, of 3D.
I fucking hate 3D. I think it's bullshit, and I don't think it adds to the movie-going experience at all. When it's done really well—something like Avatar or Tron: Legacy—it's acceptable. When it's done badly—name any one of dozens of post-converted train wrecks—it's a brutally oppressive, visually murky couple of hours spent wearing big uncomfortable stupid glasses, and if you want all that, you can go to a hipster bar, where the music is better and they at least have beer. But, as much as 3D might turn me into Roger Ebert telling dimly lit kids to get off his lawn, I nonetheless embrace change as a universal constant, and have personally embraced any number of things I once despised, like Oasis, Woody Allen's “serious” movies, and (occasional) sobriety. It'd take a pretty major turn of events to turn me into a champion of 3D, but if it becomes an institution and they sort out the annoyances, I could see settling into ambivalence.
This process would be accelerated greatly if Robert Rodriguez succeeds in popularizing this godawful 4D idea of his. [Rodriguez's “Spy Kids 4D: All The Time In The World” will feature scratch and sniff cards for the audience to scratch at eight moments indicated onscreen during the movie. The smell of objects seen on screen will then be present to the moviegoer. The film opens August 19.] The "Spy Kids" series is not aimed at me, so it's irrelevant that I don't give a shit about those movies, but why . . . WHY . . . do we need another gimmicky bit of bullshit? The worst part about this is that, like 3D, the extra dimension—in this case, Smell-O-Vision—was tried decades ago and failed because it was stupid and nobody liked it. “Oh, but the technology has improved, they've fixed that,” you foolishly brave might say, before I reply “YA CAN'T FIX STUPID, MOTHERFUCKER.”
Of course, the subject of stupidity brings us to the poet laureate thereof, Mr. Michael Bay. Michael Bay, like few human beings ever, apprehends the depth of ecstasy produced by a well-filmed, large explosion. His movies are, admittedly, visceral rather than intellectual, but the visceral pleasures therein are profound. No one blows shit up like Michael Bay. It is for this reason that I submit that if anyone is going to make a movie in 3D, it should be him. The blow-shit-up, “I like things to be awesome,” part of Michael Bay's mind lends itself perfectly to something dumb like 3D, because while he himself is certainly not dumb, he makes movies that are grandiosely, effervescently dumb. Everything about them is dumb and of extremely large size. One might even say he needs the extra dimension for “more awesome.” In any case I'm very much looking forward to Transformers: Dark of the Moon (and will be reviewing it for Tor.com, an excellent website you SF/fantasy fans should check out).
In much the same way that Michael Bay contributed to quick cutting, restless camera moves, frequent two-and-a-half-hour running times, and the religious worship of explosions becoming integral parts of American cinema, so too can he point the way forward with 3D. If someone has to do it, it might as well be someone good at it. If someone has to make big, dumb movies in 3D, it might as well be the man who made them bigger and dumber than anyone else to ever exist.
But however Michael Bay might be the man to save 3D, no one will ever save Smell-O-Vision. The last person to try it was John Waters, 30 years ago, in "Polyester," and Waters reveled in being transgressive and making his audience uncomfortable (well, at least until Hairspray). The whole point of doing Smell-O-Vision was that it was a bad fucking idea. If Waters made his audience puke, he'd go, “Heh heh heh.” I don't know whether Robert Rodriguez quite grasps this, but if he does he certainly doesn't give a fuck. In a weird way I hope this is just hucksterism aimed at little kids who don't know any better; if they're given scratch 'n' sniff cards it’s all the better, because little kids are assholes. They intuitively know how to scratch a scratch 'n' sniff card in just such a way that another kid will throw up. This is why little kids are great: their unparalleled gift for chaos. If we get to read news stories for weeks about “another "Spy Kids" screening descends into projectile vomiting,” I will be very happy. And hey, it may not be the best press in the world, but at least it'd be funny.
Of course, if whichever dipshit thought this idea up thought it was a good idea, then that person is stupid enough that hey, maybe we need a fourth dimension to properly apprehend just how fucking dumb it really is. Until we have direct-to-brain full sensory virtual reality, fucking around with stupid shit like Smell-O-Vision or even 3D is putting the cart before the horse, and serves only to remind us how awesome it could be, rather than itself being awesome. So rather than exceeding our reach, technologically, why not focus on what we can do and stick to two dimensions? Unless it's a Michael Bay movie, then I want to see exploding robots hurtling right at me. I say he should only make movies in 3D. Everyone else, though, don't try what only the master can accomplish.
Danny Bowes' is a prolific writer and critic who lives in New York City. You can look for his column every Wednesday, and read him online at moviesbybowes.blogspot.com.
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Diana Martinez- Miami
said:
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... 3D already makes me sick enough! Now they are going to want me to smell a card and refocus on a screen. Good luck with that. |
Shasha16
said:
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... I have to agree. The couple of 3D movies I've seen lately were to me not at all in 3D, which was a bit disappointing(Green lantern & Transformers). Great movies just bad 3D. Furthermore, don't get me wrong I totally love Michael Bay, but Transformers: Dark of the Moon did not have to be in 3D. To me it didn't even seem like it was in 3D. It was just a waste of money.But the movie was great otherwise. |
hppwdn
said:
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... The last well done 3d movie experience.... Captain EO at Disney. All this 3D crap in the theaters today still pales in comparison to something they made 25 years ago. |
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