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It is both a 
blessing and a curse that in 2011 (more so than in any prior year but no doubt establishing a trend that will continue) studios screened a lot less of their awful content for critics. What this means is that I was literally not invited to see certain movies – and in some cases, I was uninvited – and instead I sent HOH staff on review duty opening weekend.
This is why Dan Souto reviewed In Time and The Darkest Hour, Andrew Hudak covered Shark Night 3D, The Three Musketeers and Drive Angry, Josh Walbert went to Apollo 18, Matthew Kaiser endured Glee: The 3D Concert Experience, and Hilary Webber hated on I Don’t Know How She Does It. They went because I couldn’t, and all indications are they saved two hours of my life each time. I thank them again for their sacrifice.
That said, I did see plenty of dreck myself. Movies that meant well and failed don’t make a list like this, but movies that royally sucked do. The movies below are my Worst of 2011 in chronological order of release except for the very worst of the year, which is last.
Red Riding Hood
A red cloak, a talking wolf, terrible performances and a large metal elephant. Sounds like an awful porno, but it actually describes “Red Riding Hood,” one of the worst fairy tale adaptations you’ll ever see. The story was illogical, the production design was drab, and those hoping Amanda Seyfried’s hotness would make it worthwhile were disappointed by her baggy clothes and sulking. Take note, Kristen Stewart: Sulking is never, ever attractive on a chick.
Arthur
Now if the werewolf would’ve eaten Russell Brand in “Arthur,” then we’d be on to something. Too bad it didn’t, because this would-be comedy wasn’t funny and Brand played the title role as an unlikeable louse who we never give a damn about. And is it me, or does Brand always look like he smells?
Scream 4
To prove how important an ending is, the last 10 minutes of “Scream 4” have the dumbest, most insanely idiotic ending I’ve ever seen. If it stopped after the first ending, however, with SPOILER ALERT Sidney (Neve Campbell) dying and a new killer on the loose, it would have been a brilliant way to continue the franchise. But instead it opts for tacked-on formulaic nonsense that doesn’t work, never could have worked, and ruins the entire movie.
Green Lantern
On one hand I appreciate Ryan Reynolds’ handsomeness and charm. On the other there’s just no way his skin-tight suit was enough for me to enjoy “Green Lantern,” a movie so over-laden with visual effects it made my head spin. Then the 3D (and Blake Lively) made everything worse.
Cowboys & Aliens
The biggest disappointment of the year came with “Cowboys & Aliens.” Harrison Ford and Daniel Craig have played the most iconic action heroes of the last 40 years (Han Solo/Indiana Jones and James Bond, respectively), but at no point do they give this movie hope of being anything more than insipid trash. Worse, Jon Favreau (Iron Man) directed it like a straight drama, meaning it was zero fun. What a sad misfire.
Spy Kids: All The Time In The World
I don’t hate 3D, but I do think it should be used sparingly and only by those who know how. So when a fourth dimension is introduced, like what Robert Rodriguez did with Aromascope in “Spy Kids: All The Time In The World,” things get even more dicey. And the failure, as we painfully saw, is more glaring. The story was inept and the visuals were terrible, but the Aromascope card was the biggest FAIL! of 2011. The idea was to scratch a number on the card every time that number appeared on screen, but I kid you not, every damn number smelled the same. This is a good thing, though, because otherwise we would’ve smelled vomit for 90 minutes.
Johnny English Reborn
Rowan Atkinson, Americans will never find you funny. You are a silent comedian in the sound era, and your impish little dipshit expressions, coy faux innocence and overall inability to make us laugh is tiring. Stay home in Britain where subtle humor is most appreciated, and for the love of mercy stop exporting crap like “Johnny English Reborn” onto American movie screens.
The Sitter
Fat Jonah Hill usually means good Jonah Hill, but there was nothing good about “The Sitter.” The story, about an unwilling babysitter who takes bratty kids into New York City so he can buy drugs for the girl who uses him, is full of predictable jokes and unfunny scenarios. Usually Hill’s one-liners and I-don’t-give-a-shit demeanor are enough for a few laughs, but nothing works here.
The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part One
And finally, the worst of the year – and the movie that literally made me angry to watch – “The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part One.” Ever wish you could un-see something? The slow pace, hideously stupid characters and illogical plot were bad enough, but even worse is this: I’ve been waiting for four movies for that whiny bitch Bella to die, and as a cruel joke she dies but then is undead. Skank. Of course, she did have full makeup and eyeliner on when she was born again, so that was realistic. I don’t hate many movies, but I HATED this.
So here’s to a better 2012, one in which movie stars continue to flourish, new talent bursts onto the scene, and somehow, someway, we are spared “Breaking Dawn – Part 2” in November. Please?!
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lea724
said:
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... I only saw one of those and as it happens, it was your worst of the year pick. I agree completely with your opinion on it; it was so, so, so terrible. The only reason I went was because your site gave me free tickets, but after sitting through that, you couldn't pay me to watch part 2. |
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