Worst of 2008

Written by Dan Hudak |

Paris Hilton, pedophilia, racism and teenage fighting have at least one thing in common: they’re four things you never hear anything good about. Not in society, not on TV, and certainly not on this list of the worst movies of 2008. Here now is a look back at the truly wretched movies that infected theater screens this year, starting with Miss Hilton herself.

Not only was Hilton the star of “The Hottie and the Nottie,” she was also the film’s executive producer, which means she’s to blame for all the movie’s problems. Her worst decision as a producer? Casting herself. She was the “hottie,” her character’s ugly friend was the “nottie,” and the guy who thought he wanted Hilton decided he liked the other girl better. Smart move.

When I interviewed Eva Longoria Parker (“Desperate Housewives”) for “Over Her Dead Body,” she told me the movie had been on the shelf for two years before it opened last February. Take note: If a movie is “on the shelf” (i.e. done and waiting to be released) for more than a few months, it’s almost always crap. And it was.

“The Promotion,” starring John C. Reilly and Seann William Scott, was as bland, unfunny and offensive as a movie could be, and “Four Christmases” was probably the most disappointing comedy of the year. In it, we had Vince Vaughn flying solo with his fast-paced, sardonic monologues, and in doing so carrying the dead weight of five Oscar winners: Reese Witherspoon played his girlfriend and added nothing, and the esteemed actors (Robert Duval, Mary Steenburgen, Sissy Spacek and Jon Voight) who played their parents now know what movie they’ll always be able to look back on and regret.

Here’s an idea: let’s make a movie based on the “Kit Kittredge: An American Girl” dolls. It’ll be a depression-era drama for kids. In it, we’ll have all the nice, hard-working families lose their homes, Kit’s father ditch her family for most of the movie, and thieves who steal from those who are already suffering. Does it sound like the type of movie your kids would enjoy? I didn’t think so.

Speaking of corrupting little kids, let’s not forget about “Hounddog,” which also became known as “the Dakota Fanning rape movie.” Yes, the talented young Fanning was raped, but with a story this hideously dumb, direction this flaccid and performances (except for Fanning) this terrible, the movie never had a chance.

Samuel L. Jackson has two movies on this list: “Lakeview Terrace” and “The Spirit.” Though his passive-aggressive, racist and unbelievably annoying cop in “Terrace” was probably the worst performance of his career, at least his turn as the villainous Octopus in “The Spirit” wasn’t his fault. That movie was dead on arrival, and had terrible performances from a number of very talented people, Scarlett Johansson (as Octopus’ assistant) included.

Two movies that were all brawn and no brains were “Never Back Down,” which felt like “The Karate Kid” on steroids while its hideously dumb teenage mixed martial arts story unfolded, and “Punisher: War Zone,” which was so absurdly horrid it was laughable. So many meatheads, so little plot.

But at least those movies knew what they were. “Tru Loved” was partially a gay-rights crusade for teenagers, but the acting was so bad and the story so inane it became a waste of time. If Roger Ebert hates a movie so much he’ll shut it off after eight minutes, something is desperately wrong.

And finally, the worst movie of the year: Mike Myers’ “The Love Guru.” This movie was so bad it stunk up the theaters. This movie was so bad even Jessica Alba couldn’t make it appealing. This movie was so bad Ed Wood would’ve thought it was good. This movie was so bad it made you feel sorry for Mike Myers and everyone involved. This movie was so bad it made the medium of comedy feel sorry for itself. This movie was so bad…you get the point.