What happened to you Pete Berg? I was such a fan of your cult hit 2003 action-comedy “The Rundown”. It had the perfect blend of action, comedy, and character. Berg was well known for other successful films, whether they were critical or commercial; “Friday Night Lights” & “The Kingdom”. However, all that seemed to fly out the window after making that headache induced superhero satire, “Hancock”. It certainly hasn’t helped save his status as a prominent director by making a movie based on a plastic game board that alone should be a sign for desperate career attention.

It’s a two-hour action packed, special effects diarrhea extravaganza of Michael Bay proportions. People will certainly have action-movie hangovers by morning after seeing this mindless alien invasion picture. It’s like “Crimson Tide”, “Independence Day”, and “Transformers 1-3” all rolled together into one mega turd, and the result is what you see in front of you…”Battleship”.

(Sadly) Based on the Hasbro game board, the film focuses on key characters, Lt. Alex Hopper (Taylor Kitsch), a Naval officer assigned to the USS John Paul Jones; Sam Shane (Brooklyn Decker), a physical therapist and Hopper’s fiancée; Hopper’s older brother, Stone (Alexander Skarsgård), Commanding Officer of the USS Sampson; Petty Officer Raikes (Rihanna), Hopper’s crewmate and a weapons specialist on the USS John Paul Jones; and Stone’s superior (and Sam’s father), Admiral Shane (Liam Neeson). Together these brave American’s come together to fight off the start of what could be a planet wide extinction when some mean lizard-like aliens invade and plan to take control. Classic alien ploy, am I right people?

With “Marvel’s The Avengers”, the alien invasion in that film had deeper meaning and greater depth; revenge, love for power, and kingship were all key factors to Loki’s grand plan for global take over, there was pathos to that whole villainous plot, even if it’s a plot that’s been done before. Here, all we get are some scummy alien-Halo-suit-wearing-intergalactic jerks who decide to invade our planet all because…well…they just can, and it’s fun to blow shit up.  Seriously, don’t expect anything potent out of a movie that’s based on a game board, although I’m still hoping for that“Hungry Hungry Hippos” adaptation.

The characters are all one-noted, seen before protagonists. These yahoos belong in a 1996 Michael Bay/Jerry Bruckheimer action pic. Seriously, if this was made 15 years ago, this would’ve been deemed a classic in it’s own right, but for today’s standard it has set the bar extremely low. With it’s carbon copy characters, cheap humorous dialogue, and predictable ending. You can’t get any hokier than today’s youth of the Navy teaming up with the old school men of the era, and finally resurrecting the famous USS Missouri for a final alien bout. Seriously, I was ready to puke cheese, that sequences was that bad, all it needed was some hardcore AC/DC playing in the background…oh wait…THUNDERSTRUCK!

The visual effects are the one factor that shares it’s somewhat ending success with the “Avengers”. Both films have some of the best visual effects one could ask for in a film, and it’s all thanks to ILM. But, where “The Avengers”succeeds in storytelling, character development, and overall better direction, “Battleship” sinks! SERIOUSLY! How the fuck did this movie not have ANYONE scream out, ‘They sunk our battleship!’ I guess it’s notable to mention that Turtle from “Entourage” and President Obama have cameos, but that doesn’t save the movie. Again, third straight weekend in a row just go see “The Avengers”.

Tomorrow night will be more 4th viewing of Joss Whedon's epic superhero opus, "The Avengers". What can I say, I'm a die-hard Marvel fan, but more importantly I'm a loyal Joss Whedon fan. After seeing "Cabin in the Woods" back in April I knew something special was coming our way into "The Avengers". 

With the movie grossing $700 million dollars worldwide, gaining the record for the highest weekend opener of ALL TIME, Mr. Whedon decided to take the time to send out some fun words of wisdom and a big thank you to his fans.

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"YeahbuhWHUH?" 

--Kitty Pryde

Dear Friends,

Well, it's been quite a weekend. Someday, long from now, I will even have an emotional reaction to it, like a person would. I can't wait! But before I become blinded by this "emotion" experience, there's a few things I'd like to say. Well, type.

People have told me that this matters, that my life is about to change. I am sure that is true. And change is good -- change is exciting. I think -- not to jinx it -- that I may finally be recognized at Comiccon. Imagine! Also, with my percentage of "the Avengers" gross, I can afford to buy... [gets call from agent. Weeps manfully. Resumes typing.] ...a fine meal. But REALLY fine, with truffles and s#!+. And I can get a studio to finance my dream project, the reboot of "Air Bud" that we all feel is so long overdue. (He could play Jai Alai! Think of the emotional ramifications of JAI ALAI!!!!)

What doesn't change is anything that matters. What doesn't change is that I've had the smartest, most loyal, most passionate, most articulate group of -- I'm not even gonna say fans. I'm going with "peeps" -- that any cult oddity such as my bad self could have dreamt of. When almost no one was watching, when people probably should have STOPPED watching, I've had three constants: my family and friends, my collaborators (often the same), and y'all. A lot of stories have come out about my "dark years", and how I'm "unrecognized"... I love these stories, because they make me seem super-important, but I have never felt the darkness (and I'm ALL about my darkness) that they described. Because I have so much. I have people, in my life, on this site, in places I've yet to discover, that always made me feel the truth of success: an artist and an audience communicating. Communicating to the point of collaborating. I've thought, "maybe I'm over; maybe I've said my piece". But never with fear. Never with rancor. Because of y'all. Because you knew me when. If you think topping a box office record compares with someone telling you your work helped them through a rough time, you're probably new here. (For the record, and despite my inhuman distance from the joy-joy of it: topping a box office record is super-dope. I'm an alien, not a robot.) So this is me, saying thank you. All of you. You've taken as much guff for loving my work as I have for over-writing it, and you deserve, in this our time of streaming into the main, to crow. To glow. To crow and go "I told you so", to those Joe Blows not in the know. (LAST time I hire Dr. Seuss to punch my posts up. Yeesh!) Point being, you deserve some honor, AND you deserves some FAQs answered. So please welcome my old friend and certainly not-on-my-payroll reporter/flunky, Rutherford D. Actualperson!

RDA: So good to see you, young Joss! is it possible you've gotten more attractive since we last spoke, and less fungal in odor?

JW: Thanks for noticing. Let's talk.

RDA: "the Scavengers" is a huge success! Does this mean you have changed the very fabric of existence?

JW: Dude, it's just a movie. Also, yes.

RTA: I've seen a lot of a talk about "the Availers" vs "the Dark Knight Rises". How will you feel if you're eclipsed by Nolan?

JW: I'm glad I made you ask that. I will feel sad. But let's look at the bigger picture, and I can't say this enough: THIS IS NOT A ZERO SUM GAME. Our successes, whoever has the mostest, are a boon to each other. We're in the business of proving that superhero movies aren't just eye-candy (they're eye-TRUFFLES!). People seem intent on setting us against each other, and though I'm proud to be Woody Strode to Nolan's Kirk Douglas, I think they're missing the point. Whatever TDKR does on its first weekend, the only stat that matters to me is the ticket I'M definitely buying. Nolan and Raimi INVENTED the true superhero flick, yo. (Special mention to Jon Favreau and James Gunn.) Happy to be in the mix.

RTA: What does this mean for your upcoming slate of tiny independent films/Internet shenanigans? Will they fall by the wayside?

JW: There may be new ideas realized -- I always leave myself open to that -- but my commitment to Wastelanders and Dr H.2 does not waver. Those stories bubble on my stove.

RTA: And TV?

JW: TV is my great love. To tell stories with that alacrity, intensity, and immediacy... Nothing quite like it. I imagine it's not dissimilar to the feeling great poker players have: "Here's what I got, here's where I'm going... How to trick everybody into thinking I know what I'm doing?" [Full disclosure : Joss hates poker. He is probably talking about bridge. But it should apply nonetheless.]. 

RTA: What message would you give fans of "the Lavenders" who are not so familiar with your previous work?

JW: "Cabin In the Woods": still in (some) theaters!

RTA: Is 'the Ravengers" a perfect movie? It did get an A+ cinemascore...

JW: There are very few perfect movies. "The Court Jester", "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest", "Godfather" I & II... The list does not go on and on. "The Avengers" is notably IMperfect, which makes its success mean so much more to me -- because it's striking a chord that matters MORE than its obvious flaws. Like the team, it appears to be more than the sun of its parts. Boo-yah!

RTA: What do you feel is the greatest achievement of "the Avoiders"?

JW: Getting "mewling quim" out there to the masses. Also, Hulk.

RTA: Anyone in particular you'd like to thank?

JW: [Reads from notecard]. I couldn't have done this myself. Part of this Saturn Award belongs to Jeremy Latcham, Kevin Feige, and the fine Marvel folk... But the secret ingredient is my closest peeps: J-Mo, who did uncredited punch-up work (carrier battle, yo!), Z-bro, Drew "I am Loki only taller and foppier" Goddard, and Kai, all of whom worked the story with me. Without them (and Jeremy), I'd still be figuring out how the Wasp fits in to this, and where to put Red Hulk.

RTA: What's next for Joss "finally got it right for a change" Whedon?

JW: Can we not call me that?

RTA: Just deal. Whut up?

JW: I really think we should discuss that nickname, but I'm finishing "Much Ado About Nothing" this month. If you liked "the Avengers", you'll love... I can't. It's Shakespeare. And not in the park. I hope it gets watched.

RTA: Any message to your precious "Whedonesk?"

JW: Whedonettes?

RTA: Weeble-eque?

JW: I'm not aware of that group. 

RTA: Didn't they know you when?

JW: I'm not sure who you mean. I'm discarding my old fans so I can concentrate on fame, Euro-trash guy-jewelry and my precious "Air Bud" reboot. But, dude, don't print that!

RTA: You have my word.

So, that's our post! Hope you enjoyed it. Hope you'll continue to carry the banner even though other people may have joined the parade. (Kind of a gay pride/Newsies vibe: sentence accomplished!) Hope you understand how I feel. Cliff notes: grateful. 

"Here's to us. Who's like us? Damn few"
-- Stephen Sondheim, "Merrily We Roll Along".

"It took a dog playing Jai Alai to teach us humanity!"
--Me, in that awesome film I'm gonna make.

-j., 5/9/12

I’ve never seen the original 60′s/70′s TV series, “Dark Shadows”, nor do I have any real intentions to watch it. It’s been called cheap, cheesy, camp, and stupid, granted it had a fan base, but nothing big enough to grab wide appeal…unless you’re a Tim Burton Goth-head.  Nearly fifty years after the series existence, Tim Burton decides to adapt the show into a big budget summer blockbuster, starring his golden boy Johnny Depp. If he can make a billion dollars off a horrid reimagining of “Alice in Wonderland” what says he cannot do the same with a film based off of pure cheese itself? Sadly, I don’t see this film following in the footsteps of Burton’s previous efforts. It’s dull, boring, filled with unlikeable characters, and enough visuals effects to cover up its blandness that’ll make the “Avengers” fans want to puke.

In the year 1752, the prestigious Collins, set sail from Liverpool to start a new life in America. But even an ocean was not enough to escape the mysterious curse that has plagued their family. Two decades pass and Barnabas (Johnny Depp) has the world at his feet-or at least the town of Collinsport, Maine. The master of Collinwood Manor, Barnabas is rich, powerful and an inveterate playboy…until he makes the grave mistake of breaking the heart of Angelique Bouchard (Eva Green). A witch, in every sense of the word, Angelique dooms him to a fate worse than death: turning him into a vampire, and then burying him alive. Two centuries later, Barnabas is involuntarily freed from his coffin and emerges into the very changed world of 1972. He returns to Collinwood Manor to find that his once-grand estate has fallen into ruin. The dysfunctional remnants of the Collins family have fared little better.

My problem isn’t the concept of “Dark Shadows”, I find it fun and exciting to watch a plot set in a world where vampires, ghosts, witches, werewolves are all around us, set in a time period that is probably best fitting for the subject matter, open to a world of possibilities to make the jokes more entertaining. But, when you hire a writer that’s only success is conjuring two horror satire novels (Pride, Prejudice, & Zombie & Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter) and never really having the challenge to fully develop and flesh out characters within 100 or so pages for a two hour movie, that’s when things really start to show signs of faultier. Seth Grahame-Smith’s screenplay is tedious and lacks conventions of a decent horror/comedy. Many who saw this film before its release, or press screenings for that matter, have compared the movie to “Beetlejuice”, one of Burton’s earliest and most well acclaimed comedy efforts. To me, I think this movie was trying too hard to be another “Beetlejuice”; people seeing ghosts, a dysfunctional family living under one rood, a jackass supernatural being living amongst them, a fellow youth experiencing angst, and so on. It’s seriously just a simple parallel to “Beetlejuice”.

One of the biggest issues with the movie is the use of it’s supporting players; you’ve got Victoria (Bella Heathcote), the governess, whose past brings her to Barnabas in the most unlikely of ways, her emotions, her feelings are just barely touched upon in the film. It can also be said about the young lad named David (Gulliver McGrath), a strange boy who embraces the even stranger. Victoria states to Barnabas that the boy looks up to him, yet we don’t see ANY of this. I would’ve liked to see the relationship between David and Barnabas play out more, have Barnabas stand as a greater father figure rather than the schmuck David has as real dad. Instead the movie is focused all on Barnabas and the witch, it’s constant scenes of him telling off Angie that she’s a bitch-witch and it never ends, hence the movie becoming boring. What made “Marvel’s The Avengers” so good in it’s story is that the writer (Joss Whedon) found a way to focus on each character equally and flesh them out in this very strange world, so when they all finally come together, theirs a better pathos to their actions. The Collins’ do come together at the end to fight a greater evil, but it’s more in a matter of circumstance and like I stated before, tedious.

=There are a few positive qualities; the visual effects are top notch here, and the supporting performances by Chloë Grace Moretz & Jackie Earle Haley have the best screen time. Chloë makes a great hip-hippy with a snappy attitude, and Jackie can play a minion almost to perfection, he reminded me of Igor. There are a few amusing cameos in the film, Christopher Lee as a fisherman, but lets face it, it’s Lee being Lee, you’ve seen it before and it’s nothing special. Now, why Burton decided to bring in Alice Cooper as himself I will never know. It’s embarrassing to have Cooper play a young 70’s version of himself, and having him lip-sync his own work is truly pathetic. You know honestly I’m just gonna straight up not recommend this movie, sure there are Burton fans out there, some of them are readers of mine, so they’ll choose to ignore me, because they love Burton’s pale skinned, darkly circled eyed freaks. So see it, don’t see it, who cares, in the end we all know that “Marvel’s The Avengers” will stay on top.

A few days ago, the internet became a firestorm of fanboys & fangirls rejoicing in cheer and tears with the release of the final trailer to Christopher Nolan's final Batman film, "The Dark Knight Rises". I was completely enthralled by the trailer myself; the subtle score, the haunting imagery, and of course BANE! However, after watching the trailer around...134 times I noticed some very interesting things that the regular movie goer wouldn't really know. Here are the top 5 things I learned from "The Dark Knight Rises" trailer...

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5. The Mayor goes first?

In "The Dark Knight", the Joker was targeting many of Gotham's finest for assassination, the Mayor (played by Nestor Carbonell) was one of them. Lucky for the Mayor he dodged the bullet (thank you Gordon). However, it looks like from the trailer that the good Mayor may get his come uppings from one of the attacks organized by the terrorist Bane.

4. The Bat flies!

The credits to 2008’s “Iron Man” were scrolling, I was with a group of friends that night, I told them we should stay since word was going around that a secret ending was inserted into the movie. My friends were reluctant at first, but I convinced half to stay behind. As the final credit rolled upward we fade into a scene that will change EVERYTHING, Nicky Fury (Samuel L. Jackson), director of S.H.I.E.L.D. reveals himself to Tony Stark (Robert Downy Jr), and has come to talk about the Avengers Initiative.

Fast-forward four years, and Joss Whedon behind the directing/writers chair later, we’ve finally made it to the movie event of the century! “Marvel’s The Avengers”, an epic superhero movie that studios dared not to try, but Marvel, now it’s own boss, took a risk four years ago, and it paid off with films like “Iron Man 2”, “The Incredible Hulk”, “Thor”, and“Captain America: The First Avenger” leading to what was being anticipated as the greatest superhero movie of all time. Ladies & gentlemen, fanboys & fangirls alike, Marvel geeks, without a doubt in my mind, my heart, and my love for all things Marvel, “Marvel’s The Avengers” IS the greatest superhero movie of all time! With Joss Whedon at the helm, not only directing, but writing such a brilliant script, with a cast most filmmakers dream of having, there was no way this could’ve possibly failed.

The world is in peril; it’s on the brink of total destruction as our main villain, Loki (Tom Hiddleston), the Asgardian God of Mischief, returns from exile to seek vengeance on his brother Thor (Chris Hemsworth), while at the same time taking control of Midgard (Earth) as the new king/ruler. Nick Fury learns of the powerful, otherworldly, object known as the Tesseract (or to Marvel nerds the Cosmic Cube), and it’s possibility of what could happen if that power is in the right hands. Loki makes a deal with a mysterious intergalactic being, who’ll provide an army for him to help him rule earth, and in return they want the cube to benefit the conquer of the entire universe. As Loki takes allies from Fury’s range with just a single touch of his scepter, director Fury reaches out to a group of ‘special people’ for aid, to come together, and put aside their differences, so they may fight this great threat. They are: Iron Man, Captain America (Chris Evans), Thor, Hulk (Mark Ruffalo), Black Widow (Scarlett Johansson), and Hawkeye (Jeremy Renner), together they are Earth’s Mightiest Heroes, they are…THE AVENGERS! <queue Alan Silvestri’s “Avengers” theme>

Marvel Studios couldn’t have picked a more brilliant writer/director than Joss Whedon. Joss is known for a lot of things, but he’s iconic for being a top-notch writer. I briefly touched on that in my “Cabin in the Woods” review, and I’ll discuss it here too. The best thing we could have asked for was Joss’ ability to write amazing characters and give them greater development. It’s quite a task to do so in a movie like this when other filmmakers have developed all the characters; somehow Joss pulls it off 110% here. But, if I had to go into the film and really examine it, the one character that stands out than all of the rest, the one who’s fleshed out I think the best, would be Black Widow. We only got a taste of her in “Iron Man 2”, some fans were a bit disappointed on how she was presented in that film, I myself was sadden how underused she was. Here, Joss decides to really dive into her back story, her flaws, her thoughts, her feelings, it made Black Widow a better character, and it leaves an open book for a spin-off to go back into her past, and yes folks, SHE SPEAKS RUSSIAN!

Everyone was at their best here, Robert Downy Jr was born to be in a Joss Whedon movie, and Joss’ Tony dialogue is amazing here. Chris Evans brings newer excitement and wonder to Steve Rogers, he’s no longer in his time, so for him to be in a strange world that he’s in now leaves plenty of new ideas for the characters performance, but he still maintains that American belief and ideal that was just as genuine, if not more so in the previous film he starred in. Chris Hemsworth is still a dynamite Thor, he and Tom Hiddleston’s Loki are better in this film now that the stakes are raised higher than the previous film they were in. NOW, lets talk elephant in the room, the big green elephant to be exact, Mark Ruffalo as Bruce Banner/The Hulk. It’s simple: HE STOLE THE MOVIE! The best incarnation of Banner since Bill Bixby’s and being the only actor in the history of the Hulk to play both roles you can see that he was lost in that character, he was…nay, he IS the Hulk. Thank god Marvel came to their senses, as of a few days ago Mark has signed a six-picture deal! Looks like fans will be seeing a more Ruffalized-Hulk in the near future.

BATMAN RISES AGAIN!!!!!

"The Dark Knight Rises" hits theaters and IMAX on July 20th