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You probably didn’t think they made movies as bas as “The Legend of Zorro” anymore, but, alas, apparently they do. Here is a movie that is so shoddy, careless and lazy that in the prelude to the opening credits, during which we’re provided a historical context for the story, one line reads: “An historic vote holds the promise of their fate.”
Not a good way to start. It’s even more downhill from there as the rest of the movie is one egregious disaster after another, with little regard to logic, believability, entertainment, coherence or self-respect. The story is about how soap is going to destroy a pre-Civil War America, and how Zorro (Antonio Banderas) must save both the country and his family.
In addition to a bunch of political chit-chat about California joining the Union and railroad expansion, there’s a copious amount of family turmoil that lacks even a shred of credibility. Upset that her husband refuses to stop being Zorro so he can concentrate on being a better father to their son, Joaquin (Adrian Alonso), Elena de la Vega (Catherine Zeta-Jones) leaves and files for divorce.
Three months later, Zorro, or Alejandro de la Vega when not in-mask, finds her at a lavish party thrown by Count Armand (Rufus Sewell), a requisite jerk who is also her new boyfriend. Plot lines tie together when it is learned that the French Armand and the ancient organization he leads have apparently enjoyed a screening of “Fight Club,” because it’s their ingenious idea to use soap to bomb America.
Many an action movie has had its haphazard plot redeemed by rousing action sequences, but these too are aggressively awful. Zorro frequently shows up out of nowhere at opportune moments, prompting boring action sequences that do little to stimulate the imagination. It’s even worse when Zorro and Elena fight together, especially with Zeta-Jones looking to her next move far too early in the overly-choreographed battles.
Worse, their kisses throughout the movie lack passion, and instead give the distinct impression they’re trying to eat one another. Whereas in the first movie, “The Mask of Zorro,” they shared an affable chemistry and energy, here their scenes together lack spark and intrigue. Part of this is because you don’t for a second believe that they will not end up together, and another part is because you can sense the bells of a cash register going off in their heads.
Other things that will make you hate the movie include: How Joaquin gets ahead of a speeding train while riding a horse; lackadaisical attempts at family bonding; a Friar with the worst hair piece in the history of cinema; and an ending in which the bad guy passes on a perfectly good opportunity to kill the hero. And really? — No one recognizes Zorro with the mask on, even though you can still see more than half his face?
The film gets one star because of Zorro’s beautiful horse, Tornado, who at least enjoys the fun of getting drunk and smoking a pipe (I’m not kidding). In fact, a movie about just the horse in a stall for two hours would have been more entertaining.
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